Zombie Zero!

Okay, so I am perusing the internet this week and I encounter a news story entitled, “Can You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?” I could feel the pulse in my eyeballs as my blood pressure soared into dangerous territory.  I have for some time now been experiencing a growing impatience with the current practice of marketing Zombie defense products.  Have you noticed the proliferation of “Emergency Zombie Apocalypse Response Vehicle” spare tire covers on Jeeps? The gun range at which I do most of my shooting offers a full line of “zombie” character targets for which they charge a substantial premium over regular bulls-eye targets… and people are scooping them up! (Without any notable improvement in marksmanship, I might add… if the Zombies do appear, the best place to stand is right in front of one because they seem to be bullet-repellant.)  Did you know that reputable firearms ammunition manufacturer Hornady is producing a line of bullets labeled “Zombie Max^TM” Ammunition?  Their web ad contains the following “disclaimer”:

 Hornady® Zombie Max™ ammunition is NOT a toy (IT IS LIVE AMMUNITION), but is intended only to be used on…ZOMBIES, also known as the living dead, undead, etc. No human being, plant, animal, vegetable or mineral should ever be shot with Hornady® Zombie Max™ ammunition. Again, we repeat, Hornady® Zombie Max™ ammunition is for use on ZOMBIES ONLY, and that's not a nickname, phrase or cute way of referring to anybody, place or thing. When we say Zombies, we mean…ZOMBIES!

Really?

I’ll tell you how to defeat the Zombies.  TURN OFF THE TV… SHUT DOWN THE VIDEO GAME… WALK OUT OF THE MOVIE THEATRE!

I have no problem with either the science fiction or horror genres of film.  And when I was a ten year old, I pestered my parents for toys that let me live out the fantasies I experienced in the movies.  As I recall, James Bond was very much in vogue at the time so I was particularly enamored of spy stuff.  Before that, when TV was ruled by the Western, I wore my Mattel six-shooter everywhere.  BUT I OUTGREW THEM.  I advanced to a stage where real-world stuff was the locus of my discretionary spending.  Stuff like cars and fast food and girls. I have no problem with nostalgia either.  I will watch a Warner Bros. Merrie Melodies cartoon whenever I can.  But I don’t carry a carrot around with me everywhere I go!  All of this aggravation got me to thinking about the origin of this craze.  So, after my pulse returned to a more congenial rate and my breathing more regular I decided it was time to educate you, the gullible public, on the true nature and history of Zombies.

Etymologically, the English word zombie was first recorded in 1819 in a history of Brazil in the form of “zombi”  The origin of the word is West African and derives from the Kongo language words “nzambi” (god) and “zumbi” (fetish), per the Oxford English Dictionary (credit to Wikipedia “Zombie”).  The cultural historical root of the zombie is Haitian, from the African slaves transported there.  Per the folklore, a zombie is a dead person physically revived by a bokor sorcerer.  The zombie remains under the control of the bokor as a personal slave and has no will of its own.  There is no reference in Haitian folklore to mass risings or apocalyptic swarms.  Eye witness accounts of necromancy and the animation of the dead has largely been debunked by the scientific community except on those rare occasions when zombie activity can be blamed as a source of global warming and rising sea levels.  Then ninety-five percent of the academic community pronounces zombies not only as plausible but incontrovertible truth.  As evidence they offer Al Gore.

In popular fiction, flesh-eating undead have been around since the Epic of Gilgamesh (an epic poem from Mesopotamia) considered the first truly great work of literature… the first surviving tablets date to the 18^th century BCE and contain the verse:

I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld,

I will smash the door posts, and leave the doors flat down,

and will let the dead go up to eat the living!

And the dead will outnumber the living

White Zombie (United Artists-1932)

While that may sound pretty apocalyptic, there is no tangible connection to zombies.  Reanimation of the dead by scientific means as we are familiar with in our century (fiction) was prefigured in Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (have you read it, Swee’ pea?) in 1818.  Bram Stoker gave us Dracula in 1897 and the race to scare the hell out of us was with tales of the undead was on.  The word zombie was introduced into our cultural consciousness by Bela Lugosi in the 1932 film White Zombie directed by Victor Halperin, wherein they were depicted as the mindless henchmen under the spell of an evil magician a la the Haitian tradition; still no apocalypse.

So where did the notion of an apocalyptic army bent on devouring the living have its genesis?   Credit goes to George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968).  This was the film that started it all, though Romero’s script did not reference “zombies”.  Puffed up literati comment on the social significance of Romero’s army of the dead as criticism of real-world social ills, but they probably get paid by the word.  Romero’s bad (and I mean it, it is bad) first effort launched us into an age of the zombie, but it took a while.  Romero waited ten years before writing the first sequel, Dawn of the Dead.

The next two decades brought us a spate films about evil spirits and reanimated dead feasting on flesh, but it wasn’t until the new millennium that armies of undead, in all their various iterations became mainstream box-office fodder.  So now we have shoulders upon which we can surely rest blame.  It is the Millennials!  In no small part are they responsible for the cultish growth of all things “Zombie”.  And who did they put in charge of preparing us for the upcoming battle for the survival of mankind?  None other than Barrack Obama!  Well, I can’t think of anyone else better suited to lead us in a fantasy war against an imaginary foe.

Hints for Surviving Hallow e’en

Chainsaw - There is a popular trend toward chainsaw slasher films.  If you are attacked by a chainsaw wielding psychotic, RUN.  I have done some little bit of chainsaw work and they are heavy and unwieldy.  All but the fattest, uncoordinated ghoul bait can outrun someone with a chainsaw.  And if one of your party happens to be a bit on the portly side it will just to aid in making your escape more effective.

Vampires - Dracula and his ilk flow in and out of fashion and I’m not sure they are cool this year.  But to be on the safe side, carry a cross; or better yet a “cross fitchy” on which the bottom has been shaped into a point.  Don’t forget your wooden mallet and find a Catholic Church so you can pick up some holy water.  How do you feel about the smell of garlic?

Mummies – If you have the presence of mind, look for the loose end of the mummy’s shroud.  Grab the material and give it a good yank is if you are starting a lawn mower (or chainsaw).  The resulting spin should remind you of a top and give you plenty of time to escape.  As a back-up, carry a copy of the Book of the Dead.

Houses - If perchance you find yourself either alone or in company within the environs of a spooky domicile, and you hear a creepy noise, feel a cold chill or stumble over a recently slain body, get out of the house by the shortest route!  Do not go upstairs; the best you could hope for is a window leading to an old tree, probably haunted.  Do not go downstairs: Do you know why they always find the bodies in the basement?  Think about it.  That’s right, because the only way out is blocked by whatever chased you down there in the first place.  If you survive the night, make a note to yourself to contact a licensed realtor in the morning to begin the search for a single-story ranch with lots of doors.

Ghosts - Don’t panic.  It’s just some prankster wearing a sheet.  Ghosts aren’t real.  But if you are feeling a bit squirrelly, pull the sheet so the eyeholes are no longer of use, grab his trick-or-treat bag and run.  Your yield in purloined candy will rise as the evening advances.

Storm Trooper - Like ghosts, their helmet impairs their vision.  Give it a twist.  Grab their flashlight disguised as a light saber.  Run.

Final tip: Regardless of your costume, which by now you should have figured out must include no headgear, wear good running shoes.

Happy Halloween!

Frankenstein (Universal-1931)