The Best-ees 1.0

I do not watch award shows.  I don’t care for the Oscars or Emmys or Country Music Awards.  They seem to me merely vehicles for squeezing one last dollar out of their fan bases.  They don’t care about you.

But I am different.  My motivations are pure. I wish only to entertain and educate.  So I am creating my own celebration of artistic achievement in popular media.  And to maximize the value of this recognition, I am expanding the field.  These selections are not representative of a single year’s product but of all time.

In this first iteration of my awards, we will start with movies.  Over time I may expand to other popular art forms such as books, music or rodeo.  And I promise, the categories will be recommendations you can use.  There will be no technical categories like editing and sound.  I will not burden you with subjective opinions on artistic endeavors.  The categories will be established to reflect what the audience talks about on the ride home from the cinema (or other art forms as I select).

So I introduce to you, the first volume of The Best-ees!

As we all know, the honor is in being selected.  There is no shame in not receiving the award.  But if we don’t pick a winner, there is no drama.  The list of nominees is created strictly from my experience.  The votes are submitted by me and tabulated by the defunct accounting firm of Arthur Anderson, L.L.P. (see Enron).

And now, the categories:

Best Sword Fight in a Movie

Ah, the swashbuckler; heroes of our youth.  Who among you didn’t get a little excited when you saw that your mother was near exhausting a roll of gift wrap paper, be it for Christmas or birthday celebration?  You knew that shortly you would have a cardboard-tube sword with which to pummel your sibling or next door neighbor.  If you were of a medieval mind, you would take up a trashcan lid shield and flail away until your sword unraveled.

For this category, I have limited the nominees to period correct pieces.  There is no need to clutter the field with films set in modern times where an easily obtained handgun could hastily end a sword fight (e.g., Highlander).  And I am not interested in Chinese movies where the emphasis in on wire assisted acrobatics.  No, this category is for men with iron wills and steel blades. 

 The nominees:

The Adventures of Robin Hood (Warner Bros. – 1938)  Who can forget the epic battle between Robin (Errol Flynn) and Sir Guy (Basil Rathbone) on the stone steps of the castle, with no balustrade!  Both Flynn and Rathbone are universally recognized as superior swordsman, their skills as such being foundational to their careers.

The Princess Bride (Twentieth Century Fox – 1987) An unusual selection as the emphasis of this film is comedy.  And, the best swordfight (among many) occurs between characters who eventually become allied in a common purpose.  Westley (Cary Elwes) and Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) engage in combat upon their first meeting, not realizing they are chasing the same enemy.  During the fight, Inigo notes by the location of Westley’s scabbard that he has been fighting with his weak hand.  When asked why, Westley shares that he wanted his opponent to have a fair chance.  The wise Inigo breaks off the encounter to resume the pursuit of his father’s killer, discretion being the being the better part of valor.  It is the nonchalance of Westley’s confidence that elevates this scene.

The Mark of Zorro (Twentieth Century Fox – 1940)  While Tyrone Power did not carry the swashbuckling credentials of Errol Flynn or Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., his adept handling of the dual personalities of Don Diego the fop and Zorro the bandit make this (in my opinion, of course) his best role.  Accordingly, his opponent Capt. Esteban Pasquale, is played to perfection by (who else) Basil Rathbone.  Forget Antonia Banderas.  Let go of George Hamilton.  This is the Zorro you want to see.

And the winner is…

                                              The Mark of Zorro!

In the climactic duel scene, Esteban struts his feathers by doing some stretching exercises then whisking out the flame of a candle with his sword tip without disturbing the candle in its holder.  In turn, Zorro slashes out at a lighted candle but when the flame continues to burn, Esteban demonstrates his disrespect for the hero’s ability by laughing.  Then Zorro reaches out gently with his sword, tipping the top half of the candle to the floor showing he had bisected it without disturbance.  You can see he loses his smug facial expression that Esteban’s confidence, as well as hid bladder, have betrayed him.

Best Single Line Delivery in a Movie

Who among us has not stood in front of a mirror and practiced a line learned from a favorite movie hero? “Go ahead, make my day!” “Are you talkin’ to me?”  “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got into my pajamas, I don’t know.”

Why is it our funniest retorts or best challenges occur to us fifteen minutes after our audience has left?  Is it that we are not imbued with the wit and intellect of the stars of the silver screen?  I’m guessing it has more to do with the fact we are not aided by a clever script and talented film editing. 

 The nominees:

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer – 1939).  If you have seen this movie, then you know why Rhett has given up.  For almost four hours, Scarlett has been whining, crying, using, manipulating and offending everybody south of the Mason-Dixon Line.  If they’d followed my lead, they could have saved Atlanta because my cheeks surrendered after minute 197!  Thank God this epic piece of soap opera dribble has an intermission.   It provides armed theater patrons an opportunity take their weapons out to their cars, thereby averting a mass suicide somewhere between reel nine and ten.  But you have to admit, it is an iconic line that all of us have at some time used to sum up our frustration with some whiney malcontent.

 “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.” Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart…I’ll bet you didn’t know the character’s last name) to Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman) in Casablanca (Warner Bros. – 1942).  For my money, the best American dramatic film ever.  Think back to the beginning of the movie.  Rick is a drunk.  He’s given up on life all because he lost Ilsa in Paris.  And after the character growth that he has experienced in this twenty-four hours, after his epiphany that the worst thing for himself is the best outcome for his lost love, his farewell words are a toast.  How true to type!

“Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops!” Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant) to Elaine Harper (Priscilla Lane) in Arsenic and Old Lace (Warner Bros. – 1944). This is one of the movies that molded me into the fanatic I am.  Every scene will make you laugh.  Don’t try and watch this movie and drink milk at the same time.  In addition to the superlative talent of Cary Grant, the supporting cast includes Raymond Massey, Peter Lorre and Jack Carson.  While lacking the social significance of the other nominees in this category, it is the archetypal madcap comedy.

And the winner is…

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”  

As tedious a film as Gone with the Wind is, no other example of American cinema offers a line so readily and universally recognizable. If only the editor hadn’t been paid by the frame. 

Well that’s it for the inaugural episode of the Best-ees.  Keep watching for future offerings in the weeks and months to come.  Some of the future categories I will address are: Best Speech in a Movie, Best Car Chase in a Movie and Best Portrayal of a Nazi as Buffoon in a Movie.  If you have a recommendation for a Best-ees category, e-mail me at daleholbrookoutwest@gmail.com.  Thanks again, and use some floss to get that popcorn out of your teeth!