How to Appear Smart

Throughout my life people have asked me, “Dale, how did you get so smart?”  I of course replied in a fashion that relied heavily on modesty and very little, if any, actual advice.  But now that I have crossed the Rubicon that is old age and no longer consider it necessary to compete for money, attention and respect, I feel it is my sacred duty to my fellow fiftieth percentile dwellers to share what I have learned about building a bigger, better intellect.  Nothing!  I am not a particularly smart guy.  I just play one in real life.  Yes, it’s all an act, honed to near perfection by years of practice avoiding hard work.

Before I actually dispense with suggestions for improving your publicly perceived peerless perspicacity let me take a few moments to share my bona fides.  My academic career was mired in mediocrity.  My high school GPA averaged just 3.0 on a 4.0 scale.  And then only because my senior year performance, spent in non-challenging vocational program that included copious field trips, earned a stunning 4.0 GPA.  Thank you George Dowdy. 

I knew that when my high school career ended I would enroll in the local Community College thereby nullifying the need to sit for the SATs.  Ergo, I have no SAT score for which to be embarrassed.  Once again, I succeeded by finding the easy way.  My college career was even less impressive: I graduated from San Diego State University nine years after completing high school.  My so called higher education GPA was a stellar 2.02.  One needs a 2.0 to be awarded a degree form that august institution.  And I spent a good deal of my tenure on academic probation.  It was a close shave.

But here is something to remember as you plan your scholastic career:  None of the details of your college experience appears on the face of your diploma.  Oh sure, it’s impressive if your sheepskin displays some phrase ending with the words cum laude.  But a prospective future employer might consider it braggadocio and classify the applicant as future competition they can avoid by the more advantageous hiring (or non-hiring to be more precise) decision of today.

Now having presented ample confirmation of my limited faculties, I will share with my dear and valued readers one of the most successful mechanisms I have developed to present a façade of knowledge, intellect and mental prowess.

Always answer a question with a question.  I know, this is in direct violation of the maxim drilled into you by parents, teachers and professional mentors as a youth.  But you must understand why you have been admonished against this useful stratagem:  Because questions put one on the defensive.  A question from a professional superior is the first foray into situational control. Your life experience and education have likely prepared you to successfully respond to most questions. But what if your inquisitor delivers a sliding sinker (Is this a proper baseball metaphor?)  You don’t want to seem suddenly delivered at the limit of your competence.  Responding to every information request with a demand for clarifying details will camouflage your diversion efforts from those instances of actual deficiency in your universe of knowledge.

The experienced, well prepared manager may be able to counter your volley off-hand by delivering yet another question, drilling to a deeper level.  Do not be intimidated.  Fortify your defense by staying on offense.  Feigning the need to more precisely understand the needs of your sparring opponent, continue to drill down until you have achieved a level of minutiae that your opponent does not command.  They will, when taxed beyond their mastery of the subject at hand, offer a truce in order that they may collect the answer to the question used to derail the initial assault.  As a side benefit to bolstering your intellectual reputation, you will enjoy the benefit of a reduced task load as questions frequently evolve into work projects.  Once your manager learns that assigning you additional work results in additional work for himself, he will find other minions to whom he can delegate special projects.

 

Do not be deluded.  This is a skill set that must be cultivated and nurtured.  To date we have found that this talent occurs naturally in one subset of the population, two-year olds.  However, asking the question “Why?” repeatedly as an adult will not result in heightened respect for ones intellectual capacity.  And it may result in a visit to the corporate psychologist.  More helpful hints of appearing smarter than you are (without the actual effort) in weeks to come.