Adam: ZERO

Back in the 1970s some very educated people did some very amazing research which led to a very interesting conclusion:  Namely, all we modern humans (Homo sapiens sapiens) are descended from a single female some 100,000 to 200,000 years ago.  That means you and I had the same Great x 10^?? Grandmother.  Those scientists dubbed our common ancestor “Eve”.  One would think that armed with so much intellectual horsepower they could engender enough imagination to come up with an original name.  But this missive is not about Eve, it is about Adam.

What do we know about Adam?  First, he had no navel.  After all, he was not born of woman but crafted from mud by God, ergo; no umbilical cord: Ergo; no navel.  This poses one of our first great questions: Where did Adam carry his lint supply?  Perhaps in his ears, which might explain why he got that whole, “Don’t eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge!” thing so terribly wrong.  Let’s face it, while it might have prevented all of us coming into existence, just imagine how sweet life could have been for Adam and that apple-pushing slut had they chosen pears or cumquats for their morning repast: No hunger; no disease; no children (do you see the point about our having never been?); no death; no disco.

We are told with great authority by Moses (the credited scribe of the Book of Genesis; that’s right, look it up) that Adam was the first man.  But it seems that concurrent with his (and hers, too) expulsion from the Garden of Eden, there were other men inhabiting the neighborhood known as the Fertile Crescent. Who were these beings?  Who was their Father?  And why were they, to a man, so anti-Zionistic?  That is not a rhetorical question.  I really don’t know why everybody chose the Jews as the target of universal bullying.

Now while these esteemed scientists I referenced in the opening paragraph are unequivocal in their identification (give or take 100,000 years) of our enate fore bearer, they are not so quick to slap the label of “uber-father” on any one man.  Not only does this cast aspersions on our great, great (well, you get it) grandmother, but it may also suggest the origin of those phenomena known as “daddy issues”.  Could Adam’s lack of parental establishment be the origin of Gentlemen’s Clubs?

It may be that we will never find the male spring from which our race sprung.  But if I have learned anything from that unique experience which is male-hood, I can say with absolute confidence that the whole damned downfall started when some idiot slipped up and told a woman she couldn’t have it all.  Thanks, Adam!