The Match Game

Last year I was catching up with an old friend (and at our age, that means both a friend of many years and advanced age) who had unexpectedly found himself single.  I commiserated (there’s a six-bit word for you, Tink) with him and sensitively listened to the narrative of his recent experiences.  One tidbit shared that I found quite interesting was that he had done some exploratory research on Match.com, the internet dating service.

We have all, as of late, been bombarded by both TV and internet advertising for this and similar product offerings.  As I too had recently unexpectedly found myself single, I determined to explore the phenomenon to see what I could see.

At this point in the story, let me offer to you women out there, a bit of advice borrowed from one of my favorite authors, Douglas Adams (try him, you’ll like him):

Don’t Panic!

You needn’t cancel your phone service, leave the state, dust off old restraining orders or change your e-mail address.  I have no plans to start dating so you are all safe.

But as a sociological experiment I think you might find my impressions of the modern meat market, or temple of eternal love if you prefer, interesting.

Signing Up

It is a simple process to put one’s self “Out There”. You select an account name and password; provide Match.com with a valid e-mail address and some identity verifiers then wait for an authorization.  They must do some kind of cursory background check to filter out convicted serial rapists, domestic abusers or social outcasts because they admonish you that this process could take some small amount of time.  I’m pretty sure I was up and running in less than an hour, guess their list of social outcasts is not very complete.  Account validated, you are prompted through profile building.  There are two features to this: the open narrative, where you describe yourself (“In Your Own Words”) and a radio button process by which you identify your personal information (height, weight, hair-color etc.), your personal interests (hiking, wine, naked parasailing, et al) and the characteristics you desire in a mate both physical and metaphysical.  To sum it up, this is where you lie.

The Matches

Within twenty-four hours you get an e-mail containing matches.  Each match contains the information garnered during the sign-up process and a gallery of photographs. Each profile has a feature that allows you to rate the possible new love of your life as: YES, NO or MAYBE.  To keep the process rolling along but not commit myself, I rated all of the matches as either MAYBE or NO.  What criteria did I use for my assessment?  The photo gallery of course!

If you desire to make contact, Match.com offers e-mail, on-line chat or free wink (I’m not sure what that is but eager to avoid tort action, I avoided it). To contact a match you must subscribe and that costs money.  They have different plans with various features and durations but they all seem to distill down to a bit less than twenty bucks per month.  In answer to your obvious question: HELL NO, that’s like four gallons of gas, man!

In Her Own Words

After several days I had identified thirty-some profiles as “maybe”.  That’s when the idea to make this the subject a blog entry started to percolate in my sieve like brain.  I began a review of the profiles to confirm my initial impression; most of these freestyle self-descriptions could be written by one person.  I offer you a few examples in the hopes I am not setting myself up for civil action as regards copyright law.  If I am, you may have to look for future blog offerings spray painted on the sides of rail cars because this computer is about all I own of value (not buried in a secret vault in anticipation of the coming revolution… and no, I haven’t decided which side I will join…), but I digress.”

I am a happy, hopeful person, sometimes silly and can always laugh at myself. I would love to find a partner and best friend who knows that extraordinary things are possible between people who share commitment, honesty, and affection for each other. I believe chemistry is # 1, while trying to find the perfect man for me.

-or-

I am easygoing, loving, romantic and honest. I work hard and play hard because life is short. I have learned through my life to maintain the innocence, splendor and vigor of a child in order to succeed as adult. Each new day brings me new things and with that comes new color in life and that's what makes life worth living. I love to be spontaneous and welcome new opportunities to try new things. I like to live life to the fullest and appreciate the simple things in life that cannot be bought, but felt. Laughter and good company are priceless!

-or-

I consider myself a bit of a chameleon, comfortable in most environments. Quiet and confident, I probably feel most relaxed one on one, but can equally hold my own in a crowd. A quiet drink and barbecue with good friends or family wins out over nights in a loud nightclub... That's not to say I don't enjoy dressing up and letting my hair down every once and a while! I am content being alone but I am the most comfortable and happy being in a committed relationship.

-or-

I would be described as the complete package. I'm intelligent, outgoing, fun loving, confident, secure with myself, have a great sense of humor, friendly, quick wit, affectionate, down to earth, warm, very genuine (guys have told me I'm "the real deal"), nice body (all natural), romantic, positive, classy but outdoorsy type (enjoy boating, riding bikes, etc… i.e. not afraid to get my hair wet!), adventurous, self motivated, driven, athletic, grounded, generous and very loving of friends and family, a real sweetheart!

-or-

My friends would describe me as friendly, easygoing, spontaneous and witty. Though, at times I can be a little feisty and competitive, but try not to take things too seriously. I'm a "blue jeans, black tie" kind of gal. Like being feminine, but not high maintenance. I can hold my own…

They all seem to be the every-woman for the every-man.  By contrast I did find one narrative that was unlike any other:

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

And she goes on like that for about five hundred words!  This is a woman I’d like to meet because she’s going to be freaky! Not that I’m into depression or anything but who could pass up a side show like this? Wouldn’t you expect that this woman’s “what I like to do” submission would include training pet cockroaches, biting the heads off bats and locking up neighborhood children in the basement? Her entry:

What I like to do: I enjoy traveling, wine tasting, concerts, tennis, music, horseback riding, gardening, beach, dancing, listening to house music, weekend getaways, waterfalls, live bands, hiking, BBQ's/Dinner Parties, and spending time with friends and family...

Alas, suburban mediocrity strikes again… or just maybe BBQ is code for sacrificing small animals while dressed in Druid garb.

What They Like to Do

 I am not going to insult you with examples here.  Mostly because I believe you’d look at the submissions and say, “What’s wrong with that?” But let me give you a man’s perspective.

What is it with “long walks on the beach”?  I hate long walks on the beach or anywhere else.  The only reason to take a long walk is to get to something worth seeing that you can’t get to by motor vehicle because the trail is not wide enough for a jeep.  And we call that hiking.  When you walk on the beach you get sand in your shoes. In the afternoon, you squint into the sun.  At some point you have to turn around and walk back, unless you can tolerate a 25,000 mile stroll. And woe to the man that gets caught looking in the direction of some bikini clad sunbather.

Why do women value wine so highly?  Did you know that wine is just grape juice that hasn’t distilled itself into vinegar yet?  What is a bottle of good wine?  By my definition, it is a bottle that you can trade for premium tequila without adding some cash to the transaction. Wine tasting is an excuse to get drunk in the afternoon; and then you have to tip the limo driver.  I’ll tell you what: if you want to get drunk in the afternoon, come on over to my house.  I’ll buy a bag of ice, scrounge up a blender and make margaritas… bring chips and salsa.  Tipping is not allowed!

Who in the hell would list “business networking” as a social interest?  I don’t get it, but probably two-thirds of the profiles had it right there in black and white.  “Yeah, babe, this is Dale.  Why don’t we get together tonight?  I’ll pick you up and we’ll go to Ruth’s Chris for dinner. Then there’s a little jazz club I know on the coast where we can get mellow and compare professional resource lists.”  Is that a sexy date or what?

The Punch Line 

I have not exhausted my thoughts on Match.com (and their ilk) but I want to keep this under 2,000 words.  If you found this amusing or informative, let me know and I’ll write more… there is plenty of material. I have four pages of notes! Would you like to know what these women are looking for in man?  It’s a hoot!

Now I realize there are some in my audience who may think me insensitive for picking on the vulnerable engaged in a sincere search for happiness.  It is certainly a change in tone from my previous offerings.  But I have a bit of wisdom taken from my own personal experience: If you can’t laugh at yourself, you have to make fun of other people!