An Offering

Thomas Jefferson

This has been a bad week, humanity wise.  And as such, I have been compelled to listen to pundits “A” through “Z” offer their opinions on the failings of our President (forgive me, but tradition demands I capitalize the first letter of that title) and his government regarding all things political.  If we read history (and I do) we are left to understand that the responsibility with which the President of the United States of America is charged is the administrative management of the federal government.  The office was so designed as to minimize institutional interference in our private lives.  Thomas Jefferson was vehement, almost obsessive in his efforts to warn his fellow architects of the Republic against the natural tendency for governmental self-promotion and growth.  With small effort one can find text upon text reinforcing that truth and yet, here we are in 2015 with political leadership (and this happens within the conclaves of both parties, my dear pupils) that ignores the fact that our (well, it was supposed to be ours) government has lost control of those functions for which it was formed (say, national security) and has encroached itself almost totally into those social environs forbidden to it by our sacred Constitution.

I really prefer to use this forum as a canvas for my peculiar brand of wit.  But sometimes I reach a level of frustration with behavior so counter to the tenets of this Nation that I need an avenue through which I can release the building steam pressure.  I’ve tried talking to people about the state of our government and how it is killing the spirit of our noble cause.  But I find I get one of two reactions:  They run away screaming, rending their garments in a biblical manner; or their eyes glaze over as they yearn for the shelter of their I-phones.

Today I am once again standing at the edge of that precipice, where, if I step over the edge, I will start a one man mission to correct the problem.  I can see far enough into the future to know that this would not be a path of pleasant, or particularly beneficial outcomes.  So, I step back, take a breath, click on my mental safety and re-holster my emotional weapon.

Charles Darwin

But I want to be part of the solution as opposed to just another whining voice in the fog.  So here is my offering:  Government should disband itself; but just before it does, it should issue to each and every citizen with the strength to grasp it firmly, a pointy stick.  Then we revert to pure Darwinism; survival of the fittest.  Them that can, do.  Them that can’t become part of the food supply.  Now this may seem a bit gruesome to the more genteel among you.  But take heart, you won’t have to witness this experiment for very long (if you know what I mean; if you don’t you may have even less time).

Okay, I feel better now.  Be sure to tune in next week for more fun and learning.  And always remember, the world is what you make it… not what they tell you it should be.

Outrage!

I have to admit that the subject of today’s media outrage is far more interesting than what we have been served in recent weeks.  I’m not sure how much one is paid by a media outlet to manufacture outrage, but if it is decent coin I may just look into a career change.  Because the standard drivel is very rarely worth ones effort to clear ones throat (harrumph!).

Among the recent spate of outrages we can count: One presidential hopeful’s suggestion that as a nation of laws it is our moral duty to enforce immigration statutes and apply such actions they may require, say deportation of violators; the political witch hunt currently directed at one former presidential cabinet member in regards the criminal mismanagement of sensitive, nationally critical information; use of a government charge card by another presidential hopeful for payment of personal expenses, although directly paid for by the candidate when due.

But these are mere trifles compared with today’s (that would be Wednesday, November 11, 2015, as this is being written) egregious affront to our cultural heritage:  Starbucks’ seasonal cup is anti-Christmas!  How could they do this?  Well let me elucidate.  It seems the cup design for this year is, gird yourselves… red!  It’s just plain red, with the traditional Starbucks mermaid.

There are no snowflakes.  There are no Christmas tree ornaments.  There are no snow men, no stylized pine branches, no carolers, rein deer, not one nutcracker.  It is just a red cup with a green logo.  How could they be so exclusionary?

Well I for one applaud their decision!  I don’t drink Starbucks’ coffee for the decorations.  Hell, I don’t even drink it for the taste.  That’s right; I don’t like the coffee that much.  The only way I can tolerate it is to load it up with sugar and half-and-half. I go to patronize Starbucks because I can enjoy a good read on their patio while watching the attractive women come and go.  And how can I do this in the dead of winter?  Because I live in Southern California where there are no snowflakes, snow men, or pine trees.  There is just mild weather that makes coffee on the patio at Starbucks one of the simple pleasures in life.

Oh, and let’s not forget the attractive baristas.  The female baristas, I didn’t really need to clarify that, did I?

How Big Is It?

Have you ever looked up at the sky and wondered, “How big is it?”  I mean when you’re not stoned; a genuine thirst for knowledge.  Well, here’s a shocker, nobody knows.  We do know that it is pretty huge.  I mean, it’s the universe and all.  And maybe we should consider rethinking the term universe.  Originally, we used the term universe to describe everything.  For people of faith, it meant God’s creation.  Now we really have no idea what the universe is (I mean physically; if you’ve wired it philosophically, good for you).

Edwin Hubble

Scientifically, until the twentieth century, astronomers believed that the physical universe was what we know today to be the Milky Way galaxy; our galaxy.  Then in 1924 Edwin Hubble concluded several spiral nebulae he was observing were too distant to be part of the Milky Way and were in fact galaxies outside of our own (see The Big Pffft! May 9, 2013) .  Thus the universe grew exponentially with the publication of his work.  With advances in telescope technology and observational technique thousand of galaxies were mapped, again increasing the size of our universe.

Then, along came another Hubble.  Well, a telescope bearing the name of our hero.  In 1995 (were you born yet?) The Hubble Orbiting Telescope was used to make a long exposure (probably archaic language on my part, but when I was taking pictures we were still using film) of a heretofore seemingly empty piece of sky in Ursa Major (the Big Dipper, north).  The target area is just 2.5 arcminutes across (sorry, I don’t know what that means either) which is about one 24-millionth (oh, there’s a number I can relate to – NOT!) of the whole sky.  Anyway, it is small!

“And what did they fine, Dale?”  Well little ones, they found 3,000 identifiable galaxies out there that had never been seen before.

There's Pie?

“Is that a lot, Dale?”  Well, while three thousand is a number we can relate to, remember they were looking at a very small piece of the sky.  Kind of like that skinny piece of pumpkin pie you get at Thanksgiving while your cousin gets a quarter of the pie.

“Thanks for putting it into terms we can relate to, Dale.”  My pleasure, children… my pleasure; but I digress.

Now here is the only math we’re going to do today. Assuming an even distribution of matter throughout the universe (and the Hubble Deep Field Image seems to suggest it is), the answer to how many galaxies are there (that we can see) is the product of 3,000 X 24,000,000!  No, I don’t know what to call that number linguistically, but numerically it would be 72 with a poop load of zeros behind it, like nine or something.  So is that 72x10⁹?  I get so confused with this math speak.

Well in any communication method, that’s a lot.  And we can’t even see all the way back to the beginning, yet.  And we haven’t even begun to consider the notion of multi-verse yet.

Okay then, back to the original question.  How big is it?  Pretty friggin’ big!  Yes, you will be held accountable for this information on the final.

Hot Dog!

I am thrilled at the news.  After years of being maligned by fellow epicures, I have been exonerated by the scientific community.  Let me bring you up to speed.  Since childhood, I have hated hot dogs.  It is not one of those, “nobody knows what’s in it conspiracy hatreds”.  It was, and remains to be, the taste.  I cannot stand the mix of spices that give said pseudo sausage its particular, and to me peculiar, flavor.

Thanks, Mom!

On that rare occasion when the pride of Oscar Mayer was the only dining option, I would have to drown the beast in condiments.  Bring me catsup!  Bring me relish!  Bring me mustard!  Or, if you can, bring me a hamburger!  Many a time I have fought back the urge to retch when I witnessed some tyke roaming around with a bare Ball Park frank, listlessly gnawing away as they uncaringly teetered this way and that.

And why, I inquire, must we befoul the blessed stew, chili, by pouring it over a questionably kosher Hebrew National?  Toss the dog, put it in a bowl and I will sop the remnants with the now unnecessary bun.  Carroll Shelby will rest easier in his grave.

Charlton Heston, "Soylent Green"

But now my stand against miniature bologna (yeah, you guessed right, I don’t eat that either) is reinforced by academic investigation.  A recent study of hot dog hygiene issues by Clear Foods, results published October 26, 2015, reveals two percent (2%) of wieners tested contained human DNA. Aghhh!  You’ve been eating people.  And not only were you unaware, you developed a passionate liking for it!  The age of Soylent Green (look it up!) is here; or would this be Soylent Pink.

For those vegetarians out there breathing a sigh of relief, the study also found that ten percent (10%) of “vegetarian hot dog products contain meat.”  And two-thirds (67%) of vegetarian samples contained human DNA.  I know true vegans are okay because they wouldn’t ever eat a food product named for an animal. Too bad for them bear claws are so delicious… well, more for you and me.

Coming soon, “California’s New Right to Die Initiative; Coincidence or Correlation?” (See Soylent Green)

The Right Honorable Edmund Gerald Brown, Jr., Governor

The Crowded Sky

Well, truth is, I just forgot.  So, here’s some stuff to occupy your time.

The Orionid meteor shower peaked this morning (Thur. October 22).  You missed it.  But you may be able to catch some action Friday morning just before dawn (about 6AM).  Just go outside and look into the sky to the south.  Find the constellation Orion and watch.  If you don’t know what Orion looks like, Google it.  The meteor shower is caused by Earth cruising through the particles left as Comet Halley last passed this way (1986).  Good luck.

Then, on October 31, 2015, Earth will be passed by a massive (1,542 feet in diameter) asteroid with its closest approach being 310,000 miles (the Moon is 240,000 miles away).  This baby is whippin’ through the solar system at a mere 78,000 miles per hour.  So, do you think all of that is scary?  Well hang on to your “depends”, the asteroid was discovered only 11days ago!  Once again, Orion will be the backdrop for the action.  The closest approach will occur at 10:05 AM San Diego time (17:05 UTC) but the rock is not large enough or close enough to see in daylight.  The best chance is the previous night, Oct. 30 (my source article says 11:50 PM CT, so 9:50 PM San Diego time?).  If you want more information, just Google “Halloween Asteroid”.

And if that’s not enough, the world’s astronomers are all agog about a star (KIC 8462852… sexy name, huh?) they found out there somewhere that is behaving rather oddly.  While none of the eggheads will allow themselves to say it, the phenomenon could indicate the presence of an alien population capable of building a structure somewhat like the Halo from the computer game… or it could just be an asteroid field.  But they’re not sure because they’ve never seen anything like it.  So, anyway, they’re searching for radio signals that may indicate the presence of any intelligent population.  They should be done with the data collection this week and once the numbers have been crunched, they will start the peer review process meanwhile keeping mum about what they think it all means.  We will probably hear from them some time next year.  Plenty of time to draw up your last will and testament... of build a laser blaster.

That’s it for this week, sleep tight!

Cameroon

Breathe easily, this promises to be a short and probably unexciting missive.  It is one of those weeks that offer little in the way opportunity for self-expression through sarcasm.  Nothing funny, well humorous, seems to be happening.  There all kinds of funny things happening if you apply the proper nuance to the word funny.

As I was beginning to generate some small anxiety over selection for this week’s topic of elucidation, my efforts turned to scanning the journalistic headlines as is my wont when faced with such a crisis.  Nope, couldn’t find anything useful from the reporting (if that’s what you’d like to call it, a more apt synonym might be drivel) on the Democratic Presidential debate.  Say, when did the Three Stooges join forces with the Battling Bickersons to create the quintet of soulless acolytes anyway?  Anderson Cooper should be pilloried for cowardice in the face of the friendly.  But I digress.

So what, of any substance, have we been wringing our hands over the past few days?  Of course, the withdrawal timing of remaining U.S. troops in Afghanistan and the number of support personnel to remain as a stabilizing force.  We know the administration has set a course for total abandonment of said locale.  And I have heard some growling opposition from the Republican led houses of our esteemed legislature.  But true to his campaign word, Obama will make sure that by the end of his tenure no American troops will remain to aid in the safe-guarding of that ancient and honorable culture which some thirty years ago chewed up the formidable Soviet Army.  Nope, the war against Islamic extremism is moving to… Cameroon?

This week, the President notified Congress that he was deploying three hundred “non-combat” troops to Cameroon to help with surveillance and intelligence activities in that country’s efforts to resist incursion by Boko Haram: The daughter stealers of Nigeria, not the 1970s English rock group Procol Harum.  Obama said the troops would remain there only until they are no longer needed.  That seems kind of counter to his strategy for Iraq.  Well, maybe his understanding of things military is expanding.

Now doesn’t that just turn your skin a whiter shade of pale?

Economics for Chickens

About two weeks ago I happened to breakfast at the local Coco’s restaurant.  I opted for the raspberry cheese blintz pancakes combo, with bacon, eggs over easy.  It was very good, thanks for asking; it is hard to beat raspberries.

As I was waiting to pay my bill at the front counter, I noticed a rather disturbing hand-crafted sign announcing no meringue pies would be available do to the egg shortage.  I perused the refrigerated cabinet on the wall behind the counter and confirmed by brief visual inspection that indeed there were no meringue pies to be counted among the inventory.  I looked again at the hand-written sign to see if I had missed any explanatory information that might shed light on the root cause of this epicurean catastrophe.  By the time I had exhausted that resource, the cashier arrived.  In poring over her vacuous facial expression, I determined there was no information available in that quarter to shed light on this most troubling crisis.

So I pursued the course of any ambitious pseudo-intellectual and duly forgot all about it.   But a kernel of curiosity stayed with me and finally today, desperately searching the news headlines for some subject with which to entertain you as is my wont, I stumbled upon an article reporting a shortage of pumpkin pie filling for this year’s Thanksgiving season. (As I learned from my fictional mentor, Ford Prefect… “DON’T PANIC”, but more about the pumpkin worriment later.)  This revivified my wonderment over the aforementioned egg shortage.  So, lacking any ambition, as is also my wont, I Googled “egg shortage”.

It seems that since sometime earlier this year, we have been experiencing a dire egg shortage.  This was caused not by lack of effort on our hens’ part, but rather an outbreak of avian flu that has affected some forty-eight million birds including chickens, geese and TURKEYS.  I am not sure if I have stumbled onto some nefarious Islamo-fueled, anti-Pilgrim plot to deprive us of our God-given right to overeat on the third Thursday of November, but something reeks of marine odiferousness (smells fishy for you ESLs out there).

Somewhat to my relief, as I continued into the factual, non-inflammatory depths of the article, I learned that the shortage to date has really only affected the liquid egg supply.  (I am going to ask you to take a leap of faith here and assume as I did that the phrase “liquid eggs” refers to egg product that has been extracted from its ovoid protector and shipped sans shell for the intended use as an ingredient in commercial food applications.)  Any noticed price increase in the retail egg market is due to pressure from liquid egg product providers seeking an alternative supply source.  There are still plenty of eggs available to the non-commercial consumer.  We are assured by those who know (or at least speak as if they do) the condition will have corrected itself by 2016.  I’m not sure how the retail turkey market is poised to deal with their seasonal concerns.

But more importantly, we must prepare ourselves for the prognostication that there will be a shortage of pumpkin pie filling.  This potential calamity is the result of record rainfall levels in Illinois.  It seems, ninety percent of all pie filling pumpkins are raised within ninety miles of Peoria.  Kinda sounds like a monopoly to me (that’s the economic term for close control of a commodity or product, not a Parker Bros. game), and that’s wrong.

At any rate, Libby’s, the most prodigious pumpkin pie filling producer, recommends you buy your canned pumpkin pie filling early and often, as the supply may run short.  Go figure!