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This is just one of those weeks when nothing inspiring has crossed my path.  I am feeling neither philosophic nor comedic. Yet my urge to pound on the keypad is not abated.  So, as you read this week’s missive, keep an eye out for anything entertaining or educational and report back to me.

I’ve been to Baltimore, once.  It was a business trip and two of the staff from the main office of my employer (Columbia, MD) were kind enough to shuttle my ass up to the city for Maryland Blue Crab.  I guess Marylanders are proud of this cuisine.  I found it tedious and uninspiring; I believe I expended more calories pounding the meat out of the boiled critters than I consumed.  And when I was done, my hands smelled like crab boil; and did for the next several days.  The women next to me on the flight home asked, “First time to Baltimore?”  When I answered in the affirmative, she wrinkled her nose and said, “Thought so!”  Now I don’t mean to impugn the character of the Old Line State (whatever the hell that means); my hosts were genial and generous with their time.  But if the city’s high point is self-serve crab they can let it burn, just tow the USS Constellation (Civil War Sloop, not the aircraft carrier) to open sea first.

One of my agents reports, “It is cold in Chicago!”  Duh!  It’s only April 29^th .  Guess where it’s not cold.  Yup, San Diego; as our President reminds us every day, choices have consequences.  It was a balmy 92^o at my house today.

I heard an echo reflected off the wall somewhere that the Supreme Court will look into the definition of marriage.  Other than, “I don’t care!” my reaction is this:  When I was a young tot, marriage was a legal status that allowed a man and woman to share a domicile and engage in coitus.  If persons were not married, said behaviors were illegal.  Then, sometime during the Viet Nam War (yes, I blame the communists), society’s axis changed and the legal onus on non-marrieds was removed.  So as there is no real penalty associated with co-habitation (aka shacking up) in the postmodern era, let’s just can it as a legal status and return the sacrament of marriage back to its religious roots.  Each denomination can perform the ceremony over whomever they choose.  If one is in a gay relationship and can find a minister that will perform the ceremony, then they are married.  Make family oriented tax treatments based on children in the household and not on marital status.  I’m sure such a stand will alienate some traditionalists out there.  But I’m just tired of hearing about it.  And if we don’t let everyone have their way, they’re just going to keep whining about it. Oh, I draw the line at goats.  Goats cannot enter into a marriage.  Sheep?  Well, I’m not so sure.  Baa-baa!

The Forgotten Holiday!

Although it is celebrated on July 4^th   (1776) as the birthday of our nation, the truth is the date is not correct.  The Declaration of Independence was approved by vote of the Continental Congress on July 2^nd, and the document was actually signed on July 6^th.  Furthermore, it did not establish the United States of America, rather it was a letter enumerating grievances and severing colonial ties penned to King George III (of England).

Last Sunday was April 19^th.  There are a few of you (greetings, fellow patriots) who immediately recognize that date as truly important.  If you watched, read or listened to the news, no one can blame you if Oklahoma City or Waco, Texas sprung to mind.  But those are really afterthoughts that tragically taint the day.  Arguably the most important event in our nation’s history occurred on April 19^th, 1775.

This year marks the 240^th anniversary of the Battles of Lexington and Concord (Middlesex County, Massachusetts).  The serious events that occurred on that day were truly the furnace in which our national culture was forged. 

In response to the Boston Tea Party, the British took over governance of the Colony of Massachusetts.  To counter, the Colonials formed an illegal, shadow government.  Among their actions, create militias, drill and remove weapons to secret cache areas.  Of course, the first overt act of the British was to initiate confiscation of weapons from the Colonials at Concord.

The Colonials’ intelligence network uncovered British plans to march on Concord, Mass.  During the night of April 18^th, deployment of the British troops was observed which precipitated the midnight rides of Paul Revere (very famous) and William Dawes (much lost to history) to effectively warn the residents of Lexington and other towns of the imminent Redcoat incursion.

William Dawes

  

  

A citizen militia met the advancing troops at Lexington where the first shots of the revolution were fired, and ground blooded, at about dawn on April 19^th 1775.  Casualties were suffered by both sides but the superior British force continued on its mission to search for contraband (weapons) at Concord.

Although the militia at Concord challenged the Redcoats, the British were able to conclude to their satisfaction that no cache of weapons was present (which had been distributed to other towns) and effected a retreat under fire back to the safety of Boston Harbor and the naval fleet therein. 

North Bridge, Concord, Mass. April 19, 1775

Spiritually, our nation was born in blood and gunsmoke on that day. So the next time you see a news story commemorating either the Murrah Federal Building bombing in Oklahoma or the debacle at the Branch Davidian Compound in Waco, Texas: Ask, “Where is the coverage of the commemoration of the ‘shot heard round the world’ fired at North Bridge, Concord, Massachusetts on April 19^th , 1775?”

Extra! Earth Day

I checked.  It's still there.  Go about your business.

Adam: ZERO

Back in the 1970s some very educated people did some very amazing research which led to a very interesting conclusion:  Namely, all we modern humans (Homo sapiens sapiens) are descended from a single female some 100,000 to 200,000 years ago.  That means you and I had the same Great x 10^?? Grandmother.  Those scientists dubbed our common ancestor “Eve”.  One would think that armed with so much intellectual horsepower they could engender enough imagination to come up with an original name.  But this missive is not about Eve, it is about Adam.

What do we know about Adam?  First, he had no navel.  After all, he was not born of woman but crafted from mud by God, ergo; no umbilical cord: Ergo; no navel.  This poses one of our first great questions: Where did Adam carry his lint supply?  Perhaps in his ears, which might explain why he got that whole, “Don’t eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge!” thing so terribly wrong.  Let’s face it, while it might have prevented all of us coming into existence, just imagine how sweet life could have been for Adam and that apple-pushing slut had they chosen pears or cumquats for their morning repast: No hunger; no disease; no children (do you see the point about our having never been?); no death; no disco.

We are told with great authority by Moses (the credited scribe of the Book of Genesis; that’s right, look it up) that Adam was the first man.  But it seems that concurrent with his (and hers, too) expulsion from the Garden of Eden, there were other men inhabiting the neighborhood known as the Fertile Crescent. Who were these beings?  Who was their Father?  And why were they, to a man, so anti-Zionistic?  That is not a rhetorical question.  I really don’t know why everybody chose the Jews as the target of universal bullying.

Now while these esteemed scientists I referenced in the opening paragraph are unequivocal in their identification (give or take 100,000 years) of our enate fore bearer, they are not so quick to slap the label of “uber-father” on any one man.  Not only does this cast aspersions on our great, great (well, you get it) grandmother, but it may also suggest the origin of those phenomena known as “daddy issues”.  Could Adam’s lack of parental establishment be the origin of Gentlemen’s Clubs?

It may be that we will never find the male spring from which our race sprung.  But if I have learned anything from that unique experience which is male-hood, I can say with absolute confidence that the whole damned downfall started when some idiot slipped up and told a woman she couldn’t have it all.  Thanks, Adam!

Overwhelming Sadness

I’m sure you’ve all experienced the sadness brought by the end of a love affair.  The feelings of pain and sadness can be overwhelming.  It is especially devastating when it happens out of the blue.  One day you feel everything is fine and without warning, the focus of your affections turns away.  The emptiness can be devastating.  Previously unknown depths of depression cage your heart and no moment of your life is spared the intrusive pain.

The days are filled with memories of your time together.  Your fingers curl in memory of the way you caressed those soft, warm buns.  Obsessive visions of those perfectly tender loins   haunt your soul.  Your lips and tongue yearn for the taste that is now only a memory.  San Marcos is clearly a lonelier place.

A couple of weeks ago, in need of some epicurial companionship, I drove to the Food Court at the Edwards Cinema.  With my anticipation piqued, I entered to find my favorite sandwich shop a dark, hollow cave now blocked by steel mesh.  Capriotti’s sandwich shop had closed its doors.  Nooooo! I was devastated.

If you had never experienced the “Capistrami” sandwich, it’s too late now (unless you find another store, they are a franchise operation) to experience the tender, succulent, perfect pastrami.  No longer will you be able to suck the juice out of the coleslaw that graced the artisan bread.  No more Russian dressing to lick from your fingers.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed as I write this; struggling to hold back the tears.  The emotions are just too strong, so I will leave you with this short missive to perhaps reminisce on your own losses.

I will not say goodbye, as someday I may stumble upon a sibling store, so until then, fino a quando vedo ancora.