Year in Review

As we turn the opening page on another year, I thought I’d pause and look back on the headline stories of 2023.

“President Hillary Clinton to Remain In Coma”

Medical staff at Bethesda Naval Hospital reports today that they have been instructed to maintain the medically induced coma until the end of her second term.  While official sources attribute the decision as a cautionary measure in the treatment of a suspected stroke, anonymous sources close to the President suggest that the extreme course of action is in response to concern for her emotional health in the wake of the announcement that her medical records refute her claim to be the first female President of the United States. 

VP Chelsea Mezvinsky (nee Clinton) continues to see to the day-to-day operat

ion of government.  White House insiders however, seem to agree that former POTUS, Bill Clinton, is de facto assuming the role of chief executive.

In a related story, the Office of Management and Budget reports that FY 2023 expenditures for White House Intern staff tripled over 2022.

 

“Population Moves South”

The Census Bureau released data this week showing the population center of the United States has moved south over the past decade.  Placed at Wright County, Missouri in 2020, in just three years it has moved south to Izard County, Arkansas. This is reported to be the largest population shift since the mid-nineteenth century.  Geographers attribute the trend to the growing polar ice cap; now estimated to be just one-hundred fifty miles from the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Clair, New Brunswick and Fort Kent, Maine.

Informed scientific sources attribute the rapid growth of the polar ice caps to global warning as a result of human produced green-house gasses.  Meanwhile, the Society of Climatologists continues to defer comment.  The International Congress of Meteorologists released this statement, “What, you want us to predict what’s going to happen with the weather?” 

In a related story, former Vice President and environmental activist Al Gore was found frozen to death near his home in Nashville, TN.  He was discovered late yesterday in a roadside ditch clutching an emergency gas can.  Wife Tipper Gore stated his last words were, “Tip, I gotta walk down to the AM/PM, the Escalade is outta gas.”

“Mission to Mars on Schedule”

Mars One announced it is on schedule to meet its anticipated 2024 departure date.  “Both crew training and engineering efforts are within acceptable parameters to assume an as scheduled departure date,” reported Director of Communications, Suzanne Flinkenflogel.  Special considerations had to be dealt with in crew selection for the 200 – 250 day flight.  “After years of scenario testing at its Earthbound training facility, it was determined the best crew make-up would be four individuals with no common language skills.” 

It was determined in early training, that over that span of time in such close proximity, discussion led to disagreement led to dissension led to disintegration of the team dynamic.  The solution was to select four individuals with no scientific background and no ability to make decisions. “We will monitor the voyage progress via high-frequency telemetry.  If the crew needs to take action outside of the programmed flight regime, we will push a button here at the command center which will in turn activate a lighted button on the spacecraft; the assigned crew member will then push the illuminated button to activate the appropriate spacecraft mechanisms.  To ensure crew performance, food rations will be delivered to members upon successful performance.”

When asked why Mars One didn’t opt to use chimpanzees if humans would be directing all activity from earth, Ms. Flinkenflogel responded, “We’d considered that, but all apes have been members of Teamsters’ Union since 2017 and agreement couldn’t be reached as regards a benefit package.  Also, there wasn’t enough room on the spacecraft for bananas.”

“Kim Jong-un to Remarry”

One week after the announcement of the dissolution by firing squad from his first wife, Ri Sol-ju, government sources reported Kim has proposed to American, Dennis Rodman.  No date is set for the nuptials.  A source close to Rodman says the blushing bride’s wedding dress will be designed by “Second Chance” Body Armor.

Now you have to admit, 2023 will be a year worth remembering.