Hot Dog!

I am thrilled at the news.  After years of being maligned by fellow epicures, I have been exonerated by the scientific community.  Let me bring you up to speed.  Since childhood, I have hated hot dogs.  It is not one of those, “nobody knows what’s in it conspiracy hatreds”.  It was, and remains to be, the taste.  I cannot stand the mix of spices that give said pseudo sausage its particular, and to me peculiar, flavor.

Thanks, Mom!

On that rare occasion when the pride of Oscar Mayer was the only dining option, I would have to drown the beast in condiments.  Bring me catsup!  Bring me relish!  Bring me mustard!  Or, if you can, bring me a hamburger!  Many a time I have fought back the urge to retch when I witnessed some tyke roaming around with a bare Ball Park frank, listlessly gnawing away as they uncaringly teetered this way and that.

And why, I inquire, must we befoul the blessed stew, chili, by pouring it over a questionably kosher Hebrew National?  Toss the dog, put it in a bowl and I will sop the remnants with the now unnecessary bun.  Carroll Shelby will rest easier in his grave.

Charlton Heston, "Soylent Green"

But now my stand against miniature bologna (yeah, you guessed right, I don’t eat that either) is reinforced by academic investigation.  A recent study of hot dog hygiene issues by Clear Foods, results published October 26, 2015, reveals two percent (2%) of wieners tested contained human DNA. Aghhh!  You’ve been eating people.  And not only were you unaware, you developed a passionate liking for it!  The age of Soylent Green (look it up!) is here; or would this be Soylent Pink.

For those vegetarians out there breathing a sigh of relief, the study also found that ten percent (10%) of “vegetarian hot dog products contain meat.”  And two-thirds (67%) of vegetarian samples contained human DNA.  I know true vegans are okay because they wouldn’t ever eat a food product named for an animal. Too bad for them bear claws are so delicious… well, more for you and me.

Coming soon, “California’s New Right to Die Initiative; Coincidence or Correlation?” (See Soylent Green)

The Right Honorable Edmund Gerald Brown, Jr., Governor