Economics of Hamburgers

This week the news has been dominated by the debate over the Confederate Battle flag.  I don’t care!  A man brutally murdered innocents and the news media is pouring causation bullshit down our throats.  I would like to know from you social pundits, not what affect a piece of colored cloth played in motivating this shit bag, but an intelligent, coherent definition of hatred and its root causes.  I’m waiting…

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

As we slide into the midsummer grilling season and near its milestone July 4^th date, I will share my thoughts on comestible fare of the season.  My experience has been that fried chicken is a dish best served cold at picnics.  Cucumber salad is a poor substitute for high-mayonnaise content potato salad and an obvious move by the food Nazis to undermine the egg ranching industry.  But these issues are miniscule compared to the great debate:  Hot Dogs or Burgers?

Let me make this short and sweet so the pinkos out there can get back to marinating their cucumbers.  Hot Dogs suck, burgers rule.  I can hear the “inclusives” now, “But it all depends on what you like!”  No, it does not.  A hamburger is a sandwich whose primary flavor ingredient is ground beef.  I dare any of you to tell me authoritatively (that means you must cite a reputed source) what is contained within that tubing you so lovingly call “wiener”.  I’m waiting…

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So, debate settled (believe me, it is… if you don’t believe it, go back and read the last paragraph until it becomes your mantra) the question is, “What makes a great hamburger?”   If you agree, then you haven’t been paying attention.  What makes a hamburger great is that it is not a hot dog!  How many times must I repeat this?

I have suffered through the inane discussions in which self-styled epicures have waxed poetic over memories of hamburgers past.  But they have missed the point because their argument always turns on condiments.  Whether their taste favors applewood bacon or peanut butter and jelly, shitake mushrooms or quail’s eggs, if you can build the sandwich using said ingredients sans the hamburger patty, you are not improving the quality of the burger; you are just demonstrating some kind of non-mainstream sexual orientation.

Here’s the recipe for the perfect burger; one-third pound “hamburger” patty (the higher the fat content the better; if you want a steak sandwich, buy a filet mignon and put it into a baguette) cooked over coals to individual taste, a standard sized white flour hamburger bun (“Wonder” brand, if you can find it in this no-gluten, politically-correct, neo-modern world), Heinz ketchup; French’s yellow mustard, sweet pickle slices or pickle relish, one slice of American cheese, one leaf of iceberg (don’t you dare put kale on this masterpiece, you commie) lettuce trimmed so as not to extend more than one-eighth inch beyond the rim of the bun, one slice of nearly ripe tomato.  The order of assembly should be obvious to anyone who has achieved the age where they can hold their own burger, even if it takes two hands. 

Oh, yeah… if you are stupid enough to display a confederate battle flag to make a political, cultural or philosophical statement in 2015, please report to the museum, they are missing figures from their Neanderthal diorama.  No, leave your hamburger here and just go.