Beer!

I don’t like it!  Now all you suds jockeys out there fold up your umbrage and put it back where you generally keep it.  I am not suggesting you give up your brain numbing golden elixir and join the sober crowd, I am simply stating a taste preference.  And I prefer something that doesn’t taste bitter.  I have tasted a beer or two, mostly during my teens, and after brief experimentation, I just had no tolerance for the stuff.

You guessed right, I don’t like wine either; tastes like vinegar.  Save your breath, I’ve heard it before, “You just haven’t had good wine!”  Wrong; I’ve had everything from Mateus (it’s no wonder the Spanish carved off a bit of the Iberian Peninsula and set it aside for the Portuguese, yuck!) to Dom Perignon (which, as James Bond assures us, must be served at a precise 38^o Fahrenheit) and all kinds of whites, reds, fruit juices in between.  It all tastes like vinegar to me.

But I do like to imbibe.  My preference is for hard liquor, the higher the proof the better, as long as it has some flavor.  I don’t go in for mineral spirits.  I trend toward the sweet drinks: Gin & Tonic, Rum & Coke, Tequila and Bourbon.  I am particularly fond of Wild Turkey 101 (that means it is 50% alcohol).  For all of you Jack Daniels aficionados, why do you buy that rot gut when just down the shelf is a sweet, pleasant-tasting libation that will get you drunk in two-thirds the time?

I know gin is an acquired taste, and to that I say, “If you have to work to like it, it’s not worth the effort.  I do not drink martinis, I find gin too perfume-ish.  But mix in some good, sweet (e.g. Canada Dry, avoid Schweppes) tonic water and a lime wedge; you’ll have one of the most refreshing mixed beverages invented.  My personal preference is for Boodles or Beefeater brands; I find Bombay Sapphire and Tanqueray to heavily influenced by the juniper berry.  Keep in mind, that these are also high-octane brands (i.e. premium) and tend to run in the 95 proof range.  If you are a weenie or can’t afford the good stuff, I recommend Gordon’s.  Not that it has any superior characteristics, but it is named for a British General whose head wound up on a pike in the Sudan.  There is history everywhere you wish to look.

If you make the squinchy face every time you take a shot of Cuervo Gold, the problem is not with you (cardinal rule: never ingest anything that makes you recoil), it’s the tequila!  Good tequila is a joy to experience.  It is sweet, smooth and should be sipped, much like our earlier acquaintance, Wild Turkey.  There is no need for that college age ritual of salt, shot, lime.  Save your limes for warm summer days, sipping gin & tonic under the veranda.  There are many premium brands out there (caution, premium always translates to high-octane; these are not kiddy drinks); my favorite is Patron (silver).  Again: Don’t shoot it! Take a modest sip, swirl it in your mouth gently to maximize the flavor experience, swallow, repeat.

Okay, I’ll admit it.  There are certain times when the stars are aligned just right and the midday sun just hot enough that the best refresher is a margarita (I won’t expound on the available fruity flavorings that might put into question ones masculinity).  So save your Cuervo for summer, don’t waste the good stuff on grown-up slurpees.

One more bit of advice for you preppies out there.  Goldschlager has real flakes of gold in it.  Do you know why they can safely put flakes of gold in a beverage?  Because gold is inert; it will not react with anything (that’s why gold so valuable).  That means that you can’t digest it.  It will just flow right through your system.  Now do you really want to be spending your hard earned drinking money on gold you’re gonna flush down the toilet?