Dueling Valentines

I don’t watch must daytime television.  In fact, exposure to that narcotic is generally limited to my time on the treadmill at the gym.  The best part is I get to watch several channels at once, and don’t have to listen to any of them.  That brings us to the subject of this week’s missive.  On Monday, I witnessed advertisements on competing channels aired at the same time.  Both ads targeted male viewers offering suggestions for Valentine’s Day gifts for women.  Both were mail order retail companies.  One was for giant sized stuffed teddy bears; the other for diamond jewelry.  Each ad featured a woman showing pleasure over her newly received Valentine’s gift with suggestive glances directed toward her hero.

I hold myself out as a consulting expert on failed romantic endeavors.  I am currently batting one thousand in that category (baseball metaphor indicating that I have a perfect record when it comes to imperfect relationships with the opposite sex).  And with such bone fides, I offer you sage advice in choosing between diamond jewelry and stuffed animals for your objet de amour.

 

Paid Model

If any of you men have already presented your better half with a giant stuffed animal to mark a romantic occasion, you probably remember the icy reception you and the gift you rode in on received.  If, on the other hand, you found the opposite to be true and the gift was welcomed warmly, you have a keeper for a girlfriend, fiancé, or wife.  You two are perfectly matched, but don’t expect that you will ever move beyond the missionary position and flannel pajamas.

The Real Deal

The correct answer is of course, and always will be, jewelry.  Preferably diamond jewelry; nothing melts the heart like a little ice.  It doesn’t really matter what piece or style.  No woman can survive without diamond studs to enhance her perfect ear lobes.  It is not necessary that your girl be an athlete to sport a tennis bracelet on her supple wrist.  A diamond necklace will grace a slender neck making it the envy of every swan.

I hope you can profit from my tutelage.  Eschew the cutesy for the well cut.  To enhance her pleasure, present the new bauble over a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant.  Then, if you’re feeling comfortably confident that your devotions will be rewarded, stop off at the bowling alley on the way for a few lines.  Nothing promises romance like beer on the breath.