Economics for Drunkards Too

I published Economics for Drunkards back on March 26 of this year and having  not seen obituary notices referencing sheer boredom as cause of death or fantastical suicide notes, I will assume the pearls of wisdom secreted within were well received, or at least so confusing as to deny the reader any opportunity for pretended offense.  To recap briefly, the salient point of said missive was that as a rational consumer, the human being will place a diminishing utility (value) for each additional unit of any consumable once the basic need is met.  This is an offshoot of the law of diminishing returns.  Someday I must experiment with the law of expanding returns, but as of yet have not stumbled across any textual reference there to.

You may recall, or at least you would if you’d read Economics for Drunkards sober, that we debunked the currently popular hypotheses concerning predictable behavior by the rational consumer when alcoholic beverages were added to his shopping basket.

“Aha!” you say, “Now you are trying to confuse the elemental assumptions by inserting a new player, the Street Person.  What gives, Dale?”

No, no, no; I am not engaging in chicanery here.  In the world of the economics academician, the “shopping basket” is a standardized collection of goods representative of likely sustenance purchases by which the economist can measure trends of human behavior in an environment of changing prices.  Although I can understand your momentary confusion as there generally exists some tawdry correlation between intoxicants and bums.  But I digress.

The lesson for today focuses on the addition of a second consuming entity to the environment, a wife (husband, mate, life-partner, shack-up… we are broad minded here at The Steel Trap School of Economics and Distillery Sciences).  Suddenly, the variables grow to seemingly infinite proportion.  When once, the rational consumer was faced with simple choices, e.g. domestic beer vs. imported, tequila vs. scotch, now he must consider the needs of said basket-mate (I believe I have coined a new term here) in the selection of inebriants.

Hypothetically, we are positing that the introduction of domestic commitment stretches the universe of potent potables to the point where a cross reference of preferred libation to personality type will much aid the prospective romantic dallier in identifying a suitable partner.

Domestic beer – staid, stable and predictable, up to and including the occasional spate of domestic violence.

Imported beer – much like the domestic beer drinker but with tendencies toward aloofness and a fondness for pretzels.

Light beer – prone to waste life away while engaging in the tribal ritual of communal televised sporting event viewing, substitute pork rinds for pretzels.  Offers the female optimal opportunities for shopping, for either the latest fashions or a more attentive mate.

Tequila – indicates a preference for the wild life.  Works to live, lives to party.  Prone to nap in the afternoon.

Gin – Equipped at the factory with a stick firmly imbedded within ones posterior.  Favors tradition over adventure, likely to refer to wait staff as wogs, offending same.

Bourbon – An All-American sense of superiority.  Demonstrates a refined taste.  Likely to engage in combat-de-arms over perceived slurs.

Straight Whiskey – An All-American sense of inferiority.  Wardrobe most probably acquired during high-school years.  Likely to engage in combat-de-arms over a dropped hat.  Preferred coif, mullet.

Vodka – Self-perceived sophisticate.  Generally-perceived pretender.  Unafraid (or unaware of the implications) to publicly order an otherwise flavorless beverage that has been enhanced with fruit extract.  Most likely to achieve full-blown alcoholism.

Scotch – Inoperative taste buds. Consistent lack of taste in all manner of arts and aesthetics.

Brandy (Cognac) – Imperious. Likely to put the best face on the ugliest of circumstances. Or, likely to put the ugliest face on the best of circumstances.  Probable Napoleonic complex.

Wine – Primped.  Prefers quantity over quality.  In no particular hurry, to get anywhere.

Champagne – see “Wine”, add bubbles, promiscuity, confetti.

Mixed Drinks – Politically liberal, economically confused.