The Irrational, Rationalized

As do all writers, I occasionally draw a blank when it comes to digestible subject matter.  The ideal of course is to lay responsibility for topic selection at someone else’s feet and then run like the wind across the keyboard without sense of responsibility. But when you write a regular column (or blog, if you will), that external source of inspiration is sometimes nowhere to be found.  If I were to break my promise to avoid political commentary I would have nearly infinite opportunity, but I am not yet that desperate.  There is nothing going on in my life this week worth reporting on; at least that I would be foolish enough to commit to print. And after last week’s debacle with the corrupted hard drive, you know there is not much I would be too embarrassed to share.

So at times like these, I can’t speak for other writers; I find a peek inside the room where the typewriter qualified chimpanzees reside offers an opportunity to pick some interesting tidbits off of the floor. If you do not understand this reference, please refer to the infinite monkey theorem. As we enter the room, I admonish you to speak softly, move slowly and avoid eye contact as the chimpanzees are rather surly when their concentration is broken.

A Journey Out of Reality

The joy, and danger, of peeking behind this curtain is the joy of infinite possibilities.  Here, probability is moot.  One need not consider the likeliness of stumbling across a pile that mixes absolute absurdity with incontrovertible logic.  In here, it’s all the same.  Our motto is, “If it can happen, it will happen… eventually… and you’ll be blamed.  Of course, with an infinite number of possibilities, there must be an infinite number of corners in which to look.  There is no logical place to start as any one corner is as likely to inform, entertain, delight or disgust as any other.

My Gray Matter Is Better than Yours

Ah, here is an interesting notion; brane theory.  No, this is not a misspelling (try to convince Word of that) but jargon short hand for Membrane Theory.  This hypothesis is an alternative to the Big Bang Theory (the wildly popular explanation for the Universe and everything in it, not the wildly popular sitcom airing Thursday nights at eight o’clock on CBS) attempting to address some of its scientific short comings (for more on this, see my blog The Big Pffft! posted 5/9/13).  The most glaring hole in the Big Bang Theory is the lack of explanation as to what caused the bang in the first place; brane theory proponents  pooh-poohing the notion that something can spontaneously appear from nothing.  Their alternative being the existence of multiple membranes (each a universe unto itself) that are mutually attracted by a force similar to gravity.  When brane to brane contact is made, an explosion occurs which produces the initial energy that eventually cools into what we observe as our universe.  The problem with their offering of course is lack of explanation for the presence of the membranes, or parallel universes, in the first place.

Obamacare Explained!

Yes, it’s obvious there are words printed on these sheets of paper.  But there doesn’t seem to be any punctuation.  No matter how you group the words into phrases, the outcome just doesn’t seem to make sense.  I guess they missed the period in Obama’s speech, silly monkeys (…er, bureaucrats?).

Enemies, Foreign and Domestic

“...support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic;” Those of you who have served in the military will recognize this as an excerpt of the U.S. Armed Forces Oath of Enlistment.  And while the rhetoric seems patriotic and noble, just what does it mean?  How does one defend the principles of a document which is subject to amendment and open to interpretation?  We will assume here that intent is the defense of the principles and not the physical document itself, although one can never be absolutely sure about government intent.  Does the provision for defense against domestic enemies violate the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878? (You’ll have to look that one up yourself, the monkeys are due a break as per their union contract).

Now you legal beagles out there needn’t write comments as to the history of the act, the exceptions as provided by statute or the exemptions for National Guard, U.S. Coast Guard or natural disasters.  Our goal is not accuracy, but to have fun at the monkeys’ expense.

Einstein on Beauty

In his 1916 general theory of relativity, Albert Einstein defined gravity as the curvature of the fabric of space-time by the presence of matter.  If you don’t understand that, not to worry; the monkeys have an explanation.

On a superficial level, it translates to this: The universe has dimples.  Now Einstein is reputed to have been quite the hound so we should meet this with no great surprise.  As certainly as “…God doesn’t play dice with the world”, we can infer that the universe is female, comely and a bit coquettish.

Almost the Bard

Look over here!  It’s a complete, typewritten copy of Hamnet?  Ooh, missed it by that much.