Lessons Learned

In my lifetime I have been places, seen things and met people.  When, as I have, one spends time among men who have chosen a life of action, one encounters some interesting personalities.  I have known soldiers and sailors and cops and real estate sales professionals.  All have their stories.  And it’s the stories that count.  As wisdom is gained, the sage listener learns to cull the cream from the crap.  So many stories told by self-described men of the world have the ring of made-for-television movie plots. Some, if one knows what to listen for, are much repeated legends altered in detail to suit the ego of the raconteur. At age twenty, we all have a naivety for such drama.  By forty, we begin to realize that if everyone who claims to have been there had, there wouldn’t be enough stretcher bearers to carry out the dead.

Rarely, luckily, one stumbles on the real deal; the guy who was there. The guy! In my case, I had the great fortune over several years to be in audience when Armadillo was holding court in some dimly lit dive bar or presiding over a late-night meeting under the low-sodium glare of a Winchell’s parking lot.

Armadillo (pronounced Arr-maw-dee-o, except in Texas where it’s Arr-mah-dill-ah) is the moniker I assign to a great adventurer.  I’m not even sure I was ever privy to his real name.  But he held himself out as a member of the clandestine services; sometimes patriot; sometimes mercenary; sometimes entrepreneur.  He had always been in the thick of the hot spot of the day. And the stories he did tell.  Most men would blush to report such wild adventures knowing they did not display the aura that accompanies such credentials.

While Armadillo’s stories were wild and wooly, challenging the credulity of his audience, he always finished each one with a lesson learned, as if it were a homily for survival. I would never presume to relate his stories.  They belong to him.  The rest of us have not earned the right.  But I believe it to be a duty of honor to pass along the wisdom he shared.

So today, I offer you what I can remember of his lessons.  I don’t know where he is presently but I’m sure it’s somewhere the bullets are flying or the daggers are being bared. And I know he’ll survive because of the lessons learned.

·         A pistol in the waistband is worth an arsenal in the trunk.

·         Sometimes the cause of death is a failure to accurately calculate probabilities.

·         The dark side of the moon isn’t, sometimes perspective should be ignored.

·         Self-worth carries no collateral, achievement increases personal capital.

·         Practice, practice, practice.

·         A flat tire is the result of a hole and gravity working in concert, the trick is to know which can be fixed and which must be lived with.

·         The single most missed luxury commodity when abroad is American toilet paper.

·         Peanut butter is a nutritionally balanced meal.

·         The perceived interest displayed by a woman is most likely inversely related to the actual interest generated by a woman.

·         Stainless steel isn’t.

·         Thirty rolls of toilet paper, in a household of one, will last four to six months, give or take, dependent on the fiber content of the local cuisine.

·         A tattoo makes a body instantly identifiable, surviving loved ones appreciate that.

·         Practice some more.

·         Fire fighters have counter-intuitive logic; who else runs into a burning building?

·         One roll of toilet paper carried afield will last one day less than the duration of the deployment.

·         If you can see them, they’ve probably been watching you for some time.

·         Identify the most talented sniper in the theater, buy him a drink, and make him your friend.

·         The memory you carry of a woman improves over time, or worsens; honestly speaking.

·         Trade your pemmican for beef-jerky before the newbies learn what pemmican is.

·         Never plan for a cold drop in an Indian Casino! Never!

·          .45acp… because shooting twice is just silly.

·         Job one; take care of your feet.

·         Floss daily, brush often.

·         Just when a woman tells you that you’re the man she’s always been looking for is time to get lost.

·         I don’t know which is worse; a skittish helicopter pilot, or a confident one.

·         If you want a volunteer, ask a fire fighter.

·         Never put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.