A Sticky Test

I was born an analyst. It is impossible for me to observe anything and not have a question form in my conscious mind.  I don’t care what the question is; I just want to find an answer. Heck, I don’t even care what the answer is as long as I can form one that makes some kind of sense; even better if I can get others to agree with me.

I am intuitive. I form an answer based not on evidence or reason but my own model of the world. This is otherwise known as deductive reasoning. I begin with a theory (of everything, sometimes) and compare my observations against that theory to see if one supports the other.  There is one key personality element necessarily present in the deductive thinker; confidence… some would say overconfidence.

The bastard son of modern psychiatry, Carl Jung, (he must be the bastard son as Freud was the father and was not, as far as we can divine, married to Carl’s mother… although from what we know of Sigmund, he probably schtuped her) theorized that there are four principal psychological functions by which we experience the world: sensation, intuition, feeling and thinking, with one of these being dominant most of the time. If you care to further develop your understanding of this model for how people gather information and make decisions, I refer you to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  For now, I will skip over the scientific niceties and jump right to the baseless personality test I have developed.

A bit of personal history; I am an only child born of parents who were not overly emotionally demonstrative.  Oh, you women stop cooing in feigned sympathy.  I was not a neglected child.  In fact, I sometimes believe I received too much attention, but I digress. As a youth, I spent much time alone.  That allowed me plenty of space to observe the world and form purely speculative opinions as to its mechanics ranging from the nature of the cosmos to the sinister workings of the human psyche. Yes, I have it all figured out. Get over it!

It occurred to me at some point in my life I cannot pinpoint in memory, probably fueled by a Tequila driven stupor, that there are different personality types.  Having a quick reference personality-type list might certainly be a valuable survival tool.  Of equal value would be a simple, easily performed (or observed) test to classify an individual’s type. It is essential that such a test be conducted in a manner which does not betray its occurrence as awareness by the test subject would likely skew the results due to the subjects’ (as is the case with most people) desire to conform their behavior into a favorable outcome.  I believe this is known as the please-see bow effect.

The first step in developing a personality type list is to observe the population and identify the characteristics to which one can assign traits.  Because we are expecting assessments to be performed in any environment on a real-time basis, we must surrender specificity and detail to assumption and innuendo. The most expedient method is to establish two main types; those like me and those unlike me.

Now I know from experience that I am trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Therefore, my personality opposite would be untrustworthy, disloyal, etc., etc.

The next step is to design an unobtrusive, easily conducted test or observation that speaks to the person-of-interest’s character. I have developed just such a test and successfully deployed it dozens of times with nary an erroneous result. Ask your test subject to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and observe their method closely.

If they go to the cupboard and produce a jar of Skippy brand peanut butter, you know there is some hope they will end up on the correct side of the ledger.  If it is any other brand, be dubious but don’t discount them immediately. Should they claim not to have peanut butter on hand, you may be assured they are not trustworthy and terminate the test. Travel home by a route that will take you past your preferred purveyor of food stuffs and buy an extra jar of Skippy.

Once they have produced their jar, turn your attention to their jelly preference.  Welch’s grape jelly will suggest that they are a stalwart traditionalist. They are probably trustworthy but will likely be dull and tedious company. If, on the other hand, they offer something more exotic, like mango or apricot, while they will build a tasty sandwich, they may be living life in the fast lane; in a manner requiring no small effort on your part to keep up. Proceed with caution.  Be certain to note the locations of exits as a rapid escape may become necessary.

The ideal offering will be Knott’s preserves made from any of the popular berries. Note: I am referring to whole fruit versions; not seedless.  Any man (or woman) who expects some unidentified minion in some secret jelly factory to pick the seeds out of his jam for him will prove to be feckless and of no use in a critical situation. Not only does the presence of seeds guarantee the maximum flavor, it promises you’ll have plenty to do with your tongue for hours to come, bringing fond memories of your recent culinary ecstasy; crunch, crunch, crunch!

Now, if your subject offers you honey or molasses in lieu of jelly, write them off as a reliable friend as they demonstrate total disregard for following directions.  Do stay for lunch however, especially if they suggest sliced bananas, as you are in for an epicurean delight.

And that takes us to the final and most critical phase of the test. Observe the manner and order with which the spreadables are applied to the bread. It must be peanut butter on bread then jelly on peanut butter, topped by clean bread.  This is a must!  If they insist on applying peanut butter to one slice and jelly to the other then joining the two they are the least favorable candidate for friendship and you would be wise to abandon all hope.

Peanut butter one side, jelly the opposite purports a life of excessive order and neatness. They will get caught up in ensuring a smooth even application of peanut butter probably thin to the point of veneer. When they spread the jelly, it will be smooth to the edge of the crust, no variation, no élan. These people apply all of their effort to style over substance. They will never complete anything to their own satisfaction due to their weakness for perfection.  Their anal retentive nature will ensure they always arrive late but impeccably dressed; no jelly stains on their shirts!

On the other hand, the little pools of jelly collected amid the crests and troughs of peanut butter when both are applied to the same slice of bread offer the promise of the occasional squirt of jelly into your cheek. Spontaneity will rule the lives of your new BFFs. You know that they can be counted on to favor chaos over order, the natural state of the universe. Add them to the “A” list of your heart.

There is one last indicator. Suppose they apply peanut butter to both slices of bread and then jelly in the middle.  These people are over compensating; trying too hard to please all tastes.  Such sandwich makers cannot be trusted as their public behavior reflects that of those they are trying to impress.  Look closely, they are probably employing a steak knife or some other combat ready cutlery in the construction of your lunch. You can discern only one thing from this … they are communist subversives and should be reported to authorities immediately!

Note: No top-hat wearing, cane swinging, monocle sporting peanuts were harmed in the making of this missive.